Marsha’s Handbag does Eurovision

So I’ve listened to all 39 Eurovision Song Contest 2021 entries so you don’t have to. Repeatedly. Here are my thoughts, so you don’t have to go through what I have…

Ladies, Gentlethings and everyone else, from tops to bottoms…

Bulgaria — It’s a thing of fragile beauty this song from Bulgaria. But… is it too delicate to make an impact? I listened to it with the video and didn’t get it. With my eyes closed… reader, I shed a tear. Light years ahead of the competition. I’ve seen the staging and it’s stunning, but will it be enough? Growing up is getting old *weeps*

Ireland — The awesome thing about Eurovision is you discover magnificent artists. Lesley Roy is the Irish Carly Rae Jepson — and that’s the greatest compliment ever. This is fucking fantastic. The song hasn’t really landed but the staging (which is ridiculously complicated) could make all the difference. I may like this even more than last year’s song, It’s 300–1 so worth a punt betting fans.

Ukraine — I’m obsessed with this woman. She was my dark horse winner of last year, but this is a work of bonkers genius. Also, she looks like she could kill you with her glacial coolness. Or a shank. I genuinely think that this is the winner this year. Watch that public vote go mad.

Belgium — There is an awesome song by Charlotte Gainsbourg that this is clearly robbed from. This is no bad thing. It’s fucking fantastic. It straddles dance, pop and indie magnificently, which broadens the audience. But still… https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=LkyIVKbCfG8… If she does good staging, this will be huge. Or not. Points for ‘I took you too my messy place’. That’s like all my dates.

Switzerland — It’s so Mylene Farmer it hurts. But after the last winner, it could be massive. Black keys kids. But… instead of the stark staging it deserves, he’s chosen to perform this in a beige Tetris atrocity. I sense doom.

Malta — It was favourite, so I listened without visuals. There’s a big chunk of Neta here. But when it FINALLY gets going, it’s pretty good. I think the bookies have called this wrong though. The biggest problem is it doesn’t have a chorus (a theme this year). You have to wait till 2.59 for it to go bonkers which is such a shame. She was a bit lacklustre on the rehearsals too — but don’t write her off…

Cyprus — In any other year this would have DOMINATED the show. But there’s an elephant in the room here. And she’s called Gaga. This song is so blatantly stolen from Bad Romance it’s astounding it got through the vetting process. But still… it’s pretty epic. And the quiet bits and a thing of wonder. I’d be happy if this won.

Greece — This year Greece has paid attention. One of the cleverest song in the competition. It’s an unashamed Euro Pop banger. The biggest selling song in the world last year was The Weekend, Blinding Lights... A good bet on top five. *views expressed by Marsha’s handbag are not based on factoids or considered to be viable betting recommendations*

Czech Republic — Massively underrated so far but it’s actually a huge banger. I really, really like it. He’s funny too so worth a punt. You can’t lose on a fiver really (editor — you can). The conservative states won’t like ‘oh my god’ though. It borrows the chord structure from the last ‘people’s winner’, Norway btw.

Israel — I loved last year’s song from Eden so much I drunkenly bought a Kalimba. It’s still in the box. She’s awesome and this is fab. No chorus though. Which is something of an omission. Also… we know why this might not do so well right now. *sad face*

Croatia — I wasn’t enamoured at first, but boy did she win me over. This is a proper titanic Eurovision banger. You know you’ll be dancing to it in Fuengirola. In 2028.

Lithuania — Overpraised last year but beneath the hype, the songs from The Roop are pretty good. But they do gimmick, like your wacky uncle at a wedding. Also the camp dancing is tiresome. If a major DJ dropped this it would work. As it is, it’s a bit Right Said Fred. Shame.

Iceland — I wish I was Icelandic. But Iceland were overpraised by wanky newspaper critics last year and I’m not convinced they would have won. But there’s a lot of love for this band. This is middle of the pack now, but it’s so much fun. I love it. It won’t win but expect a lot of love from the fans. And rightly so.

Moldova — I was an early fan of this nutty Eurobanger. It’s actually pretty good. But this is Eurovision and she’s made a huge error by not bringing the dancing ice cream cones from the video. Without the quirk, it’s harder work.

France — And so to France… I love France with all my heart. If this wins though, the fans will be revolting. It’s a glorious, effortless chanson with wonderful lyrics and a great performance. But why is this top of the table this year? France knocks out songs like this every week? I’m not sure what makes this special. It is great though. But I’m not sure a drunken Euro audience will follow the jury votes (where it will win).

San Marino — We all love plucky San Marino. But let’s not forget it’s a super wealthy principality — which is why they can pull this rather unlikely number out of the bag. It’s a lower octane Fuego. Gas on 5 though. Not nearly good enough. I miss the bald man. Not Flo Ryder.

Poland — Better than you’d think, though he looks like your cousin’s husband at a bad wedding. He’s also downloaded the Weekend. Sadly, Poland are about to learn ‘the British lesson’. If you send someone with the personality of a toaster, then you aren’t going to even get a bit of semi-love.

UK — I want to love this. But James can’t do a chorus. It’s a banger though and I love it. But this is not our year. Sadly, our giant trumpets have left the Eurofans unimpressed. And if you’re going to do a song called ‘embers’ WHERE IS THE PYRO?!??!?!

Norway — Well now. Norway turned down an absolute top 5 winner this year for this weird hippie doing Boyzone. Or at least that’s what I thought until I made a bit more of an effort. If you actually listen, it’s really good. But drowned out by the frankly bonkers staging.

Estonia — He’s the trade of this season, but he’s straight man… he’s straight! Leaving aside the shag points, its okay. Power synth chords, but there’s not much there really. He’s got the same feel of Duncan James. Stunning. Can sing. But something’s… not quite right. He’s straight gays. Back off!

Romania — Someone’s been listening to Billie Eilish. This is actually quite good and if it was on the radio you might look up. It does some interesting production things but it’s going to die on a big stage. But look at what won last time…

Sweden — *heart breaks* I do hate vulgarity, but Sweden have shat on their shoes on this one. From the home of Eurovision this will not do. As we know from bitter experience, you don’t let the public vote on things that really, really matter. So in Melodifestivalen the public skipped a bazillion awesome songs and chose this. It’s not awful. But from the Home Of Pop it’s a total fail.

Albania — A big Eurovision intro, with a stunning woman, euro drums, ethnic bit, big slutty dress, bigger voice. Might play well on the night. But a bit Eurovision 101.

Slovenia — Okay I hate this but it’s even more Eurovision 101. It might land on the night. There’s really nothing to it at all. But if it gets a late placing we will all be pissed. Let’s be honest. Also, she’s wearing a genderfuck dress that’s a bit whatthefuck.

Austria — Austria reading the room with a moody ballad with yet more Eurovision drums ™. But it’s a bit like a Gary Barlow album track.

Serbia — I’d actually had so many drinks by this point I thought it was Spain. It certainly sounds like something I’d fall off a podium in the Parthenon in Torremolinos on Pride week to. It’s alright but I hate this regetron beat with all my heart. I’ll be fair. 5 points.

Azerbaijan — Azerbaz always spend a zillion pounds on 500 songwriters to get the best tune ever (we don’t talk about that unfortunate vote fixing thing). Unfortunately this year they’ve gone for Fuego. That moment has passed. I’m not sure she can do stage, but let’s see. Also, Marta Hari spied for the Nazis.

Finland — I’ve been to Finland loads. I love the Finns. Unfortunately they’ve fallen back on their default rock. Problem is it’s a Limp Bisquite B-side from 1997. So no progression there. Is there anything more depressing that old men singing about putting your middle fingers up? Up what, frankly?

North Macedonia — It’s a much needed ballad. Is something I never say. But why not. It’s still dull though. Poor Vasil, he seems like a lovely man. When he wrote this he must have been imagining the fireworks raining down and the trophy in his hands. He’s currently dead last. Elton John would love it.

Spain — The second place trade. He’s so handsome etc. This is Inglesias by numbers, even with faux emotions. At least its authentic. Apparently it’s nicked from another song. I don’t think anyone will notice.

Netherlands — Let’s face it, this isn’t going to win at all. Nice try though. Love the afrobeats. But the point of afrobeat is the last syllable.

Italy — For the life of me I don’t understand the popularity of ever-divisive Italy in this competition. The only time they sent a winner it came 6th. This is doing well on the odds and will undoubtedly hit the top three. Can someone explain this? I love rock music but this is meh. If it wins I’M NEVER WATCHING EUROVISION AGAIN. *

*all opinions expressed in this blog are not based on reality.

Denmark — I love this for all the wrong reasons. It’s so Stock Aitken and Waterman I keep expecting Pete Waterman to drive across the stage in a toy train having a wank. Plus he’s borrowed his mum’s best top for the performance. 1987tastic. Horrible. But irony free. So fabulous.

Portugal — Portugal will never be forgiven for the most ungrateful winner of all time. Which is a shame because it’s a fab country. They’re having another crack at the same. Worked once. Won’t work again. Even the home audience clapping at the end smells of defeat and sadness.

Australia — Australia sent the worst song ever last year and for reasons best known to the Antipodeans, they’ve given her another shot. She’s wacky. Like your mate who makes you dress up to a birthday party you don’t want to go to. I tried so hard to like it. I now like it even less. Still not as bad as last year though.

Georgia — Last year’s song was so awesome it hurt. It may even have won — a big shouty EMO banger. So this year he’s done a ballad. *dies inside* I’ve had six cracks at this but even when it goes for the gospel climax, it’s still shocking.

Latvia — OH YOUR GOD. The opening of this is so very very horrible. It gets no better. Easily one of the worst songs in Eurovision ever. She can sing too, which is such a waste. Oh well. Still, this has moved from last place because…

Russia — How do we solve a problem like Russia? This one has a scent of authenticity, or at least it did at first. But despite the fighting against Russian oppressors and supporting diversity, we have to judge the song. It’s fucking horrible. Literally, horrible.

Germany — Our Germanic sisters. We two are one. But when Germany fucks up it hurts big time. This isn’t just the worst song in the competition. It’s one of the worst OF ALL TIME. I’ve tried to see the good in it. I really have. It makes me so angry with all of humanity. Awful awful awful. And I approve of whistling in songs usually. I literally want to kill everyone in the world after listening to this. Also: it’s got a fucking kazoo in it. A Kazoo.

In conclusion: Ukraine will win. The ballards are the toilet breaks. Italians, don’t vote for Italy. Vote Bulgaria.