Marsha’s handbag does Eurovision 2022

Okay. Let’s talk about the elephant in the room here. It’s not a great Eurovision year. In fact, I’d argue it’s the worst in about a decade. But there’s much to love if you dig a bit deeper.

The other elephant in the room is the staging. Italy has a massive kinetic sun that’s supposed to spin around on the stage and dazzle us all. Except it broke. Poor Italy. In fairness, it could have happened to anyone. The reliance on tech has always been Eurovision’s Achilles heel and so it’s proved to be. At the time of writing, it finally began spinning. So here’s to you Italy; I want you to do well. Huge love.

So to the songs! It’s all getting tense. The betting odds are all over the shop and there are at least 8 songs that could win. But who? Here’s my review so you can work out where your wee breaks are.

One last word before we dig in. There are no key changes (note — half of one) this year. None. A zillion points off Europe.

*notes* I wrote this deliberately without seeing the performances. All changes when we see if they can actually sing*

Albania

Well, the video is pretty Game of Thrones gay right there. But that’s where the fun ends kids. Pretty focused on Eastern Europe rhythms, which can be good. If she keeps it bonkers for the show she might to okay.

Armenia

In every Eurovision, there are a few songs too classy to be here. This is one. Hints of Haim and Monsters and Men. But it doesn’t really do anything. Still given the questionable merits of many of the other songs before us points for authenticity.

Australia

Australia hammered the first three years in the competition. But something has gone very wrong. My Aussie friends hit the roof when this went through to the final. Not as bad as last year (nothing could be). Sheldon has a stunning voice. But the song doesn’t go anywhere. And it’s achingly worthy. I’m sensing this will land like a lead balloon. Also: fake crying that Janet Jackson would balk at.

Austria

Thank God! A disco banger in a desert of crap ballads and rock songs. Sadly, it’s a bit average. But at least it’s perky. In fact, we’re partying like it’s 1993 (on a budget). I have concerns though. Let’s see how she does it live. Points for mentioning Socrates.

Azerbaijan

Despite being a despotic state where free will is punished in unspeakable ways Azerbaijan has sent some of the gayest bangers to Eurovision ever. Politics watchers make of this what you will. This year, they’ve reigned in the pink and gone with and emosh Ballard. It’s beautifully sung. But it doesn’t go anywhere. A common theme this year.

Belgium

God, boring ballads are a thing this year. Jeremie has an amazing voice. But this is blander than a Beyonce album track. Literally go to the toilet and put some Steps on. Proof that even a gospel choir can’t save a dull song.

Bulgaria

Did a rock song win last year? Oh yes it did. So hello Europe rock by numbers. WASP would kick the shit out of them. Hell, even Poison would kick the shit out of them. Blander than the Final Countdown. Hasn’t got a hope in hell of winning.

Croatia

Sounds promising for 0.5 seconds. Then bland bland bland. I defy you to sing even half a second of this unprompted.

Cyprus

This is the first song on the list that has something special. The gorgeous opening doesn’t deliver. But the paper thin melody is pretty special. It uses my least favourite music genre — reggaeton. But there is a great song lurking in here. Too subtle to make a mark but I love it. You may spot a hint of Shakira too.

Czech Republic

Oh thank the Goddess! A proper banger! There’s a hint of trance in this, and EDM. I really, really like it. I hope it stands out. Also a super dystopian video. Well done all round.

Denmark

The beginning of this song is so drop dead emosh I’d have put it in the top 5. But then… The guitars kick in. I love a guitar, but this is so misjudged. Bugger. However, we have a KEY CHANGE ladies and whatever! Praise be! *Update* I’ve had wine and now I quite like it.

Estonia

Estonia has always been a wild card in the competition, and as one of my favourite European countries I admit to having a bias. If there is a novelty song this year this is it. But as a disco version of the High Chaparral versus Ennio Morricone it’s fucking brilliant. And it just gets better. I love it with all my heart. Also: easy on the eye.

Finland

I love Finland. The country that is. In Eurovision I love the fact that it continues to send songs that reflect the nation’s taste. Unfortunately, the nation’s taste seems to be Virgin FM in 1993. The Rasmus were shit at the time and they aren’t much better here. But there is a hint of a key change. But not enough my loves.

France

If anyone remembers Bulgaria’s epic ‘Water’ then you’ll know that this is a homage. I kind of like it. It’s everything Eurovision should be. A bit ethnic, a bit of a banger, a bit bonkers. I have revised my view quite a bit since first hearing it. Expect flashy lights.

Germany

It’s kind of okay, but it’s a bit dull. And the rap is a bit reminiscent of Eminem when his super fan killed his girlfriend — which isn’t a good look.

Georgia

This starts like an Italian horror movie soundtrack from the 70’s. And then… Well, it’s like a Yes b-side from the, erm, 70’s. If you like ELO you might get it. Points for being different. Well, one.

Greece

After a long time in the wilderness since Saint Helena won the damn competition, Greece have upped their game every year. She’s got a look of Lorde, which is no bad thing. But the big problem is it takes ages to get going. There’s a lot going on here that deserves repeat listenings. But you’ve only got one shot on the stage. Still, the bookies like it.

Iceland

Iceland are always worth a look. This has hints of Ennio Morricone (fun fact, not the only one this year). They may have a Lana Del Ray album or two. Still, I don’t think Haim need to be looking over their shoulders any time soon.

Ireland

The memories of last year are real, when poor Leslie got royally fucked by the worst Eurovision staging ever, despite having one of the best songs. Well this year they’ve picked a Charlie XCX channeling song and I’m living for it. But I have a worrying feeling she won't be able to deliver it on stage. I still believe in you Ireland. Also ‘I’m feeling sicky now’.

Israel

Where to begin with this one? Easily the most divisive contestant since Sylvia Night, Michael has been busy antagonising everyone from the Israeli organisers to Bella Hadid. He’s got charisma, but God this is annoying. Like your annoying screamy gay mate who won't shut up on a night out. That’s usually me, so I know of what I speak. I hate it. Also: Billie Eilish may want to sue.

Italy

I’m sorry, I just don’t get it. I don’t think I ever will. But I didn’t get Soldi either, which shows what I know.

Latvia

Let’s face it. This is all about whether they actually mention eating pussy in the intro. Leaving aside the vulgarity (points) it’s a song about being a vegan to a disco beat. It is pretty funky, if not a bit preachy. A bit like being off your tits at a club and bloody Greta telling you about why you’re an arsehole for getting on a plane. Who knows how this will play? Don’t ask me.

Lithuania

It’s classy. But dull. I tried to write something else but that’s it.

Malta

It’s 2001 and nothing has happened in Malta since the early days of the X Factor. But fuck it, it’s great. Far too generic to win but Christ on a bike, it sounds like a winner from yesteryear by numbers, including the beats drop before the final chorus. This was written by an android Simon Cowell and yes, you should be wary for that reason. But the model works. The ghost of Destiny hangs heavy over it. God, they must be seething they aren’t in the top five.

Moldova

Oh god, I hate this. It’s like being mugged by wacky people at Oktoberfest who want you to dance on a table when you’re being sick in your mouth. Horrible.

Montenegro

Air is what I need. Well, that’s true. Eurovision 101. Another ‘find yourself’ song. It’s forgettable.

Norway

And so to the avant guard Daft Punk. Subwoolfer might look like a novelty act but there’s a lot going on here. Much has been made of who they might be (best guesses this and this). But the song is much cleverer than it looks on first glance. Plus, on a basic level, it’s a banger with tropical and bass mega house introduced in to the mix. It’s performance will depend entirely on whether the audience is bored on the day (top 5).

Netherlands

There are hints of London Grammar here, but that’s where the story ends. Ethereal pop is a wonderful thing, but you need a hook. I think it’ll die on stage.

Poland

Following on from the main theme this year — I’m camp as tits and no one likes me — here comes Poland. popular, it’s quite nice but nothing more. For the record, I’m camp as tits and no one liked me. But I got over it and I didn’t have to wear mum’s blouse to make the point.

Portugal

This is the wild card in the competition. Dismissed by the bookies, I think it will do well with the public. Its woozy start is like being on Xanax and having regrets about bad life choices. But it lingers. Imagine Janet Jackson’s ‘funny how time flies when you’re having fun’ but Portuguese. I’m not sure if I love it but it really stands out. Yet when I’m lying in bed it haunts me. I’ve listened to this more than any other song, largely because I don’t understand how I feel about it. That’s a massive compliment.

San Marino

San Marino are the biggest pop whores in Eurovision. If it is popular, they follow it. So this year we have a skinny, tattooed pop/rock number that owes a huge debt to Slade and glam rock. Sung in Italian. Sound familiar? It’s exactly what you’d expect.

Serbia

All eyes on Serbia for the wackiest lyrics of the competition. Yes, this is the one you’ve heard about that references Megan Markle and dicky spleens. Many a silly music critic has rhapsodised about this song. Ignore them. It’s a right load of old bollox. It sounds like it might do something interesting. Then it doesn’t.

Slovenia

Well it is disco. In Eurovision 1984. Sounds a bit like being on a cruise ship. Or maybe the Poseidon Adventure.

Spain

The europop fans are mad for this but let’s be honest; it’s a rather bland reggaeton / dance crossover and I don’t think it will land with anyone under 25. But but but… Channel is an epic dancer. Possibly the best Eurovision has ever seen. And that will count for a lot if she can sing while doing it. Top 5.

Sweden

Welcome back home Sweden! After a few duff years where the spiritual home of Eurovision sent pop by numbers, the Swedes are back and how! This is the stuff that Eurovision dreams are made of. A magnificent ballad pop thing that hits all the notes. The Swedes have chosen to let the song speak for itself though with the staging. Is that a mistake? We can only wait and see. Easily the classiest song of the completion by miles, if not for the last decade. But is it too subtle to win?

Switzerland

Oh lord, it’s worthy. Nice sentiments but the fromage! It’s like being mugged by a bunch of raclette and fondue sellers. What a shame.

Ukraine

So to the favourites. Let’s be honest. Rap never wins in Eurovision and if this wins, it’s an understandable sympathy vote. But let’s look at the song. The rap is horrible but the chorus is weirdly touching and the outro goes on for long enough to banish the memories of the terrible rap. Ukraine has consistently sent the best entries to Eurovision ever. The only bad ones were the two that won. But if you want to see a winner, watch Goa_A in 2020 (the lost year) and 2021 when they were robbed. A magical country that deserves recognition.

United Kingdom

How to begin describing this? To be fair to the other contestants I’ll say I first heard an acoustic version and hated it. But when I heard the proper version, I must have listened to it 100 times since. It’s a masterpiece and no matter where we place, we’ve won. We’ve won.