It’s the Marsha’s Handbag guide to the Eurovision Song Contest 2024 grand final!

Happy Gay Christmas everyone! Here we go on the final, decisive, divisive day of the Eurovision Song Contest!

We’ve had two semis after which the public — who decided the lucky final competitors alone — made the usual (wrong) choices and sent some rather bizarre options through, along with all the novelty songs. But to take the edge off, the hosting by Malin Åkerman and Petra Mede has been witty, fun and fabulous!

As I mentioned in my review of all 37 songs, this year the Eurovision Song Contest will be decided by how drunk the viewing public are. Or how grumpy/political/random they are feeling.

The winner comes down to a battle of the novelty songs versus the heartfelt ballads. Don’t forget that the random vote for the ‘I’m a bit mad me’ contestants (I’m looking at you, Estonia) — which will also come back to haunt is in the final moments of the show. But I’ll be hammered on Bucks Fizz and Schalgerbombs at that point and swearing randomly like a drunk at a bus stop.

Here’s my top to bottom (megalolz) overview of the best — and the worst — of tonight’s 25 final contestants — and the ones who were cruelly axed are at the end.

Switzerland — 12

This is the one to beat. It’s about 12 songs in one, incorporating rap, pop, opera and most importantly, it sounds like a demented James Bond soundtrack.

The big question was always if he could pull it off live (no cackling at the back). And my Goddess, he certainly can! Add to that an electrifying performance on a giant spinny disc thing and surely he’s got it in the bag, hasn’t he?

So why isn’t this number one in the betting odds? Well, this may be a case of a nasty frock (or pink mini skirt, to be precise) putting off both bookies and the public. If the voters can see past the non binary bits (so last year) then it can and should win.

Spain — 10

Well after last year’s experiment with classic Spanish music (5 points from the public), Spain have gone utterly bonkers. Make no mistake, this is a big favourite with the fans.

Imagine the best electro/Europop you’ve ever heard back in 1985 in Benidorm, with a call and response verse and crazy Harold Faltermeyer synths. Plus the chorus is a passionate and profane shout out for women’s rights. Two problems. Those backing singers are a bit too camp for the ‘rural areas’. And can she sing it on the night (there are major worries here). This is getting at least a third of my voting points.

Croatia — 10

Over in Croatia, some bored people in IT support asked AI to make a Eurovision winner based on last year’s competition.

Shouty pop EMO. A hint of the homeland. Having a nice chat with a cat and a cow. Anxiety attacks. Guitars. It’s got it all. The problem — and it’s a big one — is it’s the most blatant rip off of another Eurovision favourite — Käärijä — of all time. Even down to the electro/gabba breakdown and the (half-hearted) headbanging. As I said, it comes down to how drunk the audience is. Could win.

France — 10

A masterful performance and an impassioned chanson. Expect massive jury points because it’s stunning — but (whisper it) a bit boring. If the audience can see past the novelty acts this year it’s top three. But I fear for it, because at heart this is gladiatorial and we’ll pick the wacky one after a Babycham or ten.

Don’t write off France just yet though. It’s the penultimate song and Slimane has a trick in the bag. Before the final chorus he takes three steps back from the mike and bangs out some genuinely jaw-dropping acapella to an electrified audience. Expect big jury points and the possibility of slipping through a split public vote to win.

Austria — 10

Oh hello, it’s banger o’clock! We’re off down the old rave up here with Austria who got some poppers, glow sticks and the rave memo. As it says on the tin, it’s a Europop rave up of a choon with some sexy bits of staging. There were worries about the live performance but so far she’s stormed through it. Closing the show so hold some poppers back.

This the second ‘rum de dum’ chorus of the evening folks. I don’t know who decided this was a rum de dum year as I missed that pop meeting.

Gayers will be running at the floor when this comes on in clubs across Europe, screeching like haggard old banshees, sweating balls and falling out of muffin tops. Oh wait.. that’s me.

Italy — 8

Credit to Italy for the randomness of this. For context, Italy chooses its winner from the grand final of the San Remo festival. Imagine Eurovision, but lasting for 18 years with a ton of typically Italian moments of randomness.

Somehow the Italians picked this genuinely different, weird pop thing. It sounds like the ‘Macarena’ on crack. But that was popular, wasn’t it? Top 5, but only because in Europe, San Remo is ‘a thing’.

Israel — 8

This is a song contest, and I’m literally sick of talking about the politics. But let’s not be naïve: politics will pay a part in this. Expect some jury votes because our Eden can sing. What happens in the public vote will be interesting. Italy has already caused controversy by suggesting just under 40% of the Italian public in the semi final voted for this… which will be quite the sensation if replicated across Europe.

It’s a great song, but like France, a bit boring and it feels like it was made by committee (it was). And would you play it again after the contest? Ironically, it’s likely to benefit from the moronic boycott brigade, who have royally pissed of people across 37 countries.

Remember it’s a song competition folks — so vote for the best song (which isn’t this one).

Ukraine — 8

Ukraine have had quite the journey in the competition this year. From one of the favorites to forgotten and back again. Now at 6th in the betting odds, it’s worth a punt.

That’s because the song has some spectacular staging as Alyona wanders up an NCP parking ramp and belts out the song. Unfortunately, those terrible raps that Ukraine also has a weird fondness for are present too. Oh well. This might just pull and upset on the night.

United Kingdom — 8

Oh but it could have been so good. The ‘It’s a Sin’ opening, the hints of ‘Deeper Shade of Blue’. The production. The video. But then… nothing. It’s mystifying that so many talented people could have delivered such a flat song vocally and sonically.

…but wait! It turns out our Olly and the Beeb had A PLAN. Because the staging of Dizzy is phantasmagorically fabulous, the memo about the flat song has resulted in some major tweaks and suddenly it’s back in the room. But — in what will be a theme this year — is it too gay? Because reader: it’s really, really gay.

Latvia — 8

Latvia has a very Eurovision concept for this lovely song. But unfortunately, it does look a bit like an incel conference on a bunch of rocks. Still: #baldpride. The staging features one of many rings this year. It was triangles a few years back. Who makes these rules?

I’ve upgraded this to 8 points after an amazing semi performance — and after an appeal from my lovely nephew and fellow Eurovision fan, Liam (13).

Ireland — 8

The best thing about this year’s Eurovision is there’s no clear winner — so it could go very very random. And that concept is no better personified than by Bambie Thug, who’s industrial goth banger has rocketed up the betting odds as people realised she could actually sing and knew how to perform the crap out of a song.

But once again… can a non-binary, faux satanist in metal trans flag underpants win Eurovision? Probably not. But my god, it’s fun.

Sadly, some petulant/ungallant behavior and virtue signalling over the last week has annoyed a lot of people. Will cosplaying as a gay (she isn’t) go down badly? I’m over it lovie.

Cyprus — 8

Oh poor Cyprus and Malta. They didn’t get the memo and thought Eurovision wanted Dua Lipa this year. Sadly, this isn’t the case in Euroland 2024 (though our Dua remains the saviour of pop in the real world).

This is a fantastic piece of pure pop and it hits every point. But literally no one gives a shit. She’s gone full on ‘Fuego’ with the staging. That always works with the viewers, but sadly, I think this will be a bit lost (12 points from Greece, obvs).

Georgia — 7

I often think I should open a pleather lingerie shop in Georgia. There’s clearly a market for it. This is quite the banger and she’s one of the best singers in the show this year. Fab strings too. No one will remember. Apart from your dad.

Germany — 6

Oh bless him. Germany is like the UK in Eurovision but five years behind. They tried novelty, now they’re trying earnest in a black pleather jacket. This ticks all the standard Eurovision boxes but… watch it and you will know what I mean… I’m choosing my words carefully here so I’ll just say: James Arthur.

Slovenia — 5

Here comes that watery tart from Slovenia. Watch the video and you’ll see what I mean. It’s actually pretty impressive. You’ll never remember it ever again. Extra points for shouty opera woman. Who won’t be onstage.

Estonia — 5

Well there’s always a grandad desperately grasping on to their lost years in every competition. This year that world of terribleness is Estonia’s destiny.

A weird thing: It’s not that horrible if you listen to it without the visuals. In fact it’s quite haunting. Sadly we don’t have this luxury. It looks like a bunch of dads at a barbeque dressed in Superdry talking about Leftfield and Oasis.

Sweden — 5

In which Sweden forgot about the song and spent a zillion pounds on LEDs. Though the show is admittedly impressive, this is one of the weakest songs sent by the home of pop ™ of all time. Pounding beats, 1990s pop trance keyboards, tune missing in action.

Sweden don’t really want to win this year, do they? I sat through HOURS of the Melodifestivalen for this. I’m still bitter.

Serbia — 5

The most mysterious of all of the qualifiers as this really is a bit of a dirge. If there was a prize for ‘best tryer’ it would go to Serbia. Good vocals, Great video. You’ll go to the loo when it’s on though, you philistines.

Portugal — 5

Portugal has occasionally slipped an astounding tune under the radar, including the jaw-droppingly good ‘Saudade’, which is in my all-time top ten of all time.

Sadly, this earnest but boring song isn’t one of them. Great vocals though.

Lithuania — 4

Lithuania have gone for the old ‘banger with beats’ option this year. I’ve utterly failed to remember it despite 456346524 listens. That’s not good, is it? To its credit, it’s got a hint of Stuart Price and the ‘’Confessions’ tour about it. A hint mind… Another mystifying qualifier.

Armenia — 4

Ok, here we go Eurovision! This is what it’s all about. Armenian music with no concessions to modernity. I kind of love it. And it’s what we need in the show. I’ll never listen to it again after the show though. Don’t shoot me for being honest.

Norway — 4

Every year there are a few songs that are inexplicably popular with the bookies. This year, it’s Norway and Greece. This is a bit like being dragged to a gig with a mate and waiting all night for that minute where you can go to the loo/bar/fag/home. She throws everything at it. Beats, strings, vocals. Boring. Sounds like a My Chemical Romance B-side.

Luxemburg — 3

Oh god the fandom wanted this to be good. If only because having lots of countries in the competition means we get a good semi. But this as as dull as an Avanti trip to the North and back. Well at least there’s a chance of something interesting happening on that shitshow. Conspiracy theories abound about how this made it through to the final, but let’s just blame it on the borders.

Greece — 2

I’m giving Greece points this year for going balls deep on the national heritage. It’s a trap number and is deceptively modern. But it’s also awful. Your gran will hate it. The fact that it’s so high in the betting odds tells you all you need to know about bookies. But let’s face it. It’s going to go down as well as Donald Trump at a beauty pageant on the night. Another one who’s deeply childish behavior at the press conference has gone down like a bucket of wet sick.

Netherlands — 1

Why have I given this — one of the favourites — such a low score? Because Joost Klein is taking the piss. Taking the piss out of our glorious, silly little completion.

Yes, we all do this (I’m arguably doing it now). But we fans, we genuinely love this shitshow. We adore the underdogs. We celebrate the randomness. We fight for the songs we love the most. This is a smack in the face to all of us.

If I say it’s a ‘Two Unlimited’ knock off then that tells you all you need to know. And the ‘sad story’ is as cheap as the back story of a pop idol contestant. It’s shameless.

If this wins, it will set Eurovision back 20 years. It will give fuel to those who say this competition is meaningless. It will be a disaster. It’s not big. It’s not funny. And it’s not clever. Stop it.

UPDATE! The Netherlands have been disqualified. Unfortunately, the worst song in the show is still in, which is…

Finland — 0

Hold on to your hats folks, because this is the worst song in the competition this year by miles.

Oh Finland. I love you so much. My time in you has been wonderful, spent in your exquisite towns and by your gorgeous lakes. Your literature. Your cruelly denied winner — robbed last year by that big taloned chanteuse in a giant, dusty George Forman grill. That you would be reduced to this. This absolute crappola song.

The only comfort I can take from this aural atrocity is the horror by which it was received by the fandom during the rehearsals. It might bomb out in the semis. Story of my life.

This. Is. Not. Funny.

In memorium

Goodbye to these masterpieces. I will not forget you.

Poland — 12

My favourite song never wins. I’m the Eurovision kiss of death. Not that this matters to my most adored tune this year, which is currently languishing at 500/1 in the betting odds.

All of which is madness, because if Taylor Swift had knocked this masterpiece out, you’d all be mad for it. Extraordinary construction, an exquisite and haunting video and the biggest banger of the year in terms of pop astoundingness, it’s untouchable. It’ll die a death. But it’s possibly the greatest Euro song of all time.

San Marino — 10

Oh god, I love this. It’s so wrong in all the right ways. I can see both No Doubt and Aqua banging this one out. Is there any better pop recommendation?

Contrary to what the fans say, there is a place for rock in this hauz of silliness. This is how it goes. Give ’em a vote.

Iceland — 10

It’s 1992 and the winner of this year’s Eurovision Song Contest is… Hera Bjork!!!!! Sadly, it’s not 1992, much as I wish it was. And this pop classique won’t win. In fact it might not even qualify. Which would be a shame because this simple, dated pop song is what it’s all about. Give Hera a vote in the semis. We need this in our lives.

Belgium — 8

You know when that man looked at you funny on the bus and you just took agin him? Well that’s Belgium’s problem in a nutshell.

Belgium must have thought they had it in the bag. On paper, it’s a great, rocky, poppy song with nice visuals and passion. But a bit like a PA from the Black-Eyed Peas, it feels… well… a bit desperate. For some reason (I don’t get this) the fans don’t like the singer. I suppose it’s a warning about trying too hard.

The song is pretty good though. That ending is something else. But so was Destiny’s ‘Je Me Casse’ for Malta and we all know how that went.

Denmark — 8

Oh The Danes. This is bloody great. But it’s missing… something. Maybe it’s the chorus. Or the boring staging. This would have been a contender in 2017. But I’ll be amazed if anyone remembers it this year. Why is this? We need some science on this one.

I’ve given it a high place because I really like it. But you know how this will go given my track record…

Australia — 8

U OK hon? I genuinely don’t understand how Australia — in some ways the gayest nation on earth — has utterly failed to deliver this year. Because this song is a banger. Well, maybe 20 years ago, but that’s my tastes in a nutshell.

Yet despite having one of the best songs of the year, our Aussies promoted it by producing a shockingly cheap video, haven’t really engaged on the promo circuit and seem to have an almost lacklustre attitude to the competition this year. Do they want to fail? I fucking love this song. But there’s a very real chance it’ll crash out of the semis. Plus: the Australian public gave Sam Ryder no points. So my sympathy is limited.

Czechia — 6

I actually quite like this. But there’s a lot of shouty emo this year and no one will notice it. Your angry nephew will love it, but let’s face it, he’s not going to vote is he? But your mum will vote. Not for this though.

Albania — 5

Lovely intro with a hint of that Shakira. Great visuals. The second verse is very ‘now’. But Albania makes the fatal mistake of being boring when we hit the chorus. This could have been amazing. But I dare you to sing it after the show. What am I saying? I dare you to sing anything after the show!

Extra points for the double speed ending. But not a key change sadly.

Malta — 5

See Cyprus. Malta utterly fails to read the room with this ‘’Fuego copy. Times have changed though and disappointingly no one gives a shite. It’s a nice tune and you’ll have a boogie to it in Fuengirola at silly am and forget it ever existed.

Azerbaijan — 5

There was a point where Azerbaijan was the gayest Eurovision country on earth. Time after time it produced crazy pop masterpieces delivered by buff men and ladies who were no friends to clothing.

Something has changed. Far be it from me to suggest what that might be. But it’s moody ballad o’clock here. Nice but dull. Like my last ten dates.

Moldova — 4

One first glance, this is a bit like a Robert Palmer video. But listen closely and there’s a hint of trance and orchestra. If she can belt it out then this will be the black horse of the competition. *Spoilers* She won’t.